As the “morning after” went on, I started to come down from
the emotional high of waking up next to Man Candy and all the happy flashbacks
of the night before started to be replaced with questions. I started to wonder what did last night
mean, what would happen next and was he starting to have deeper feelings for
me.
I tried to toss these thoughts out
of my mind and just try to enjoy the rush, but it became harder and harder as
the hours passed. An image of our steamy night, bathed in salty kisses and intense lovemaking flashed in my memory, but just as quickly, it was replaced by an uneasy feeling of thinking I'd made a mistake. My body was washed over in pleasure and I enjoyed smelling his cologne linger on my skin, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.
We kept in touch, not much change in our communication
patterns and I consciously tried to not be a “girl” and dig deep into his
feelings or probe him for any change in our closeness. I
read and reread every text three or four times to try to sniff out a hidden
meaning or some hint of closeness, only to find nothing to hang hope on.
We met the next Sunday afternoon to watch football. It was a beautiful day with clear blue skies
and the first day that the breezes started to feel more like fall and at the same
time that summer was slipping away fast.
The place we met was a local spot that we met up for beers last winter. Today, we went outside and were seated on an
outdoor patio surrounded by lively football fans, cheering on their team and
downing wings and beers.
The mood was cheerful and we enjoyed the
sunshine on our faces and being able to see the football game from
outdoors. We had beers, snacks and enjoyed the game. During commercials, we chatted about our
usual subject matter, kids, work, sports but nothing of any depth. After the game, I decided to get home to
get a jump start on the week ahead.
There were groceries to buy and the boys’ laundry to fold and put away. I was enjoying my time with Man Candy but
there really didn’t seem to be a reason to stay.
Our conversation seemed more forced than normal and although
it was comfortable it just didn’t seem like we were cutting through basic small
talk. We said our goodbyes and I made my way back
through the crowded bar to the entrance.
As I walked to my car, it began to irritate me that he didn’t walk me
out and kiss me goodbye.
I had a 20 minute drive home to think about this more and I
became more irritated. When I came to my
exit, I pulled over at the first parking lot and texted him how he seemed distant
today and I didn’t understand why. I
put my car in drive and began to roll forward when I received his reply. He seemed angry and told me I was nuts and that
he was just his normal self. I fired back that he could have walked me out
and kissed me goodbye and thought it was odd that he didn’t.
His reply was that he was sorry and it wasn’t
intentional. I accepted his apology but started to realize
that we were in two completely different places emotionally. I had to realize that I couldn’t expect him
to have some kind of spiritual connection with me during a football game, but I
didn’t want to feel like a piece of furniture either.
During the next week, he seemed a little more distant than
normal and I realized he probably wasn’t going to develop deeper feelings for
me. I knew if I wanted to hang out with
him, watch a game and share some beers, I was in luck. However, if I wanted to have the closeness
that we used to have, it didn’t seem possible.
The next few days passed along without incident. On Friday, we didn’t have any plans for the
weekend and out of frustration I sent him a text that afternoon that I wanted
to talk. He called me right away and I took a walk to
overlook the river to take his call. He was
concerned about what I had to say and encouraged me to talk.
I explained that I didn’t see us moving in a
forward direction and that I was frustrated and disappointed. He opened up about some issues about his son
and his ex that have been taking his attention the past few days. There had been some drama and they had been
going back and forth about homework and schedules.
I took this time to tell him some observations about his ex
that I’ve been keeping to myself for weeks.
I basically unloaded how I felt she was using him and controlling his
life and I was probably too blunt. It
bothered me how this was going on and I finally spilled my guts about it. He was quiet for a few moments which seemed
much longer than they really were.
He agreed with everything that I said and thanked me for
bringing it all to his attention. He
saw a new reality that somehow he’d been denying all along and he couldn’t
argue with anything I said. I apologized
for saying it the way I did, but that I wanted him to be able to make
changes. This opened up a whole new
conversation and I told him that I was here to help him in any way I could and
that I wished he’d told me what had been happening.
It felt like we had made some real progress and it felt like
we were almost like a team and he trusted my opinion. He
asked if he could see me tonight after work and I invited him to come along
with my colleagues after we finished and have some beers with us. He said he’d text me and that he was looking
forward to the evening.
I checked my phone several times and his text finalizing our
plans never came. I went ahead with my
plans and enjoyed chatting with my coworkers after an intense week. It was a relief that the long week was
finally behind us and the drinks were taking the edge off of the past few
days. I texted him simply, “WTH?” and before I could put the phone down, it
rang.
Of course it was him calling to tell me that he was feeling
depressed and couldn’t force himself to go out like he originally planned. It was
so loud in the bar and I wasn’t going to continue to have a conversation with
him while I could be having fun with my friends. He clearly wasn’t putting in the same effort
and I wasn’t going to let it bother me.
I told him we’d talk later and I continued enjoying time with my
friends. It affected me and it hurt my feelings,
because I started to hope that we had turned a corner, but deep down, I didn’t
count on it either.
I spent the next day cleaning, organizing and tossing out
stuff. I’m not sure why, but during
emotional times like this, I clean out my closet, maybe I just feel like I need
to regain control of something, anything so I took my frustration out for “Man
Candy” out on my innocent walk in closet.
Later that evening, I met a girlfriend for appetizers and a
drink to replay the past few days and get her opinion. She listened and agreed that there didn’t seem
to be any reason to think he’d change and that I should stop communicating with
him.
That night, when I got home, I was beyond worn down. I was both drained and physically exhausted. As I slipped into bed, I texted “Man Candy” a
simple goodbye, telling him that I care about him but it’s time to part
ways. It wasn’t necessary to talk again and rehash
everything, it was clear where we both stood and that there wasn’t a point of
dragging it out longer.
He apologized for sending me mixed messages and I was a
little bitchy with my response. I know
he didn’t mean to hurt me but he still did and that it didn’t make it hurt less. My anger was pushing my sadness down and I
was still feeling bitchy, not sad. He said goodbye and that he’ll miss me
too. I read his words several times but
I couldn’t cry, I just mocked his text repeating his words in a sarcastic
tone. I knew it was immature, but it was
easier than feeling disappointment and rejection.
I texted my other best friend, a guy who is much younger
than me, but somehow we are incredibly close.
I knew he’d be working the late shift and that he’d know just what to
say to comfort my battered heart. He immediately returned my text and was
incredibly sweet, offering to talk if I needed to. I
thanked him for being so sweet but I didn’t feel like talking.
I then sent a couple of pathetic, whiny texts about what
happened and how sad I was that it ended up like this. I was aware of how lame I was and he texted
me back with a perfect response. He
told me that I’m a beautiful woman inside and out and that “Man Candy” would
someday realize what a great woman he lost.
Although it was a “textbook” reply, it still touched me profoundly and
my eyes started to fill with tears, finally.
I thanked him for saying that and sent him a short and sweet
text back. My tears were flowing and I
could barely see enough to read anymore.
My eyes closed and I let the tears stream down my face. Although he texted me a couple more sweet texts, I
didn’t see them until morning because I was already asleep… dreaming a new dream.
Thank you so much for reading!!!
Smooches,
The Single Mom
Sorry I've been out of action for so long, life has been incredibly busy and stressful. I'm in the thick of looking for a new job and it's been a lot of time and stress, but very important. I also did an appearance on Huffington Post Live, a panel conversation. I've been asked to do another one and it just hasn't worked out, so hopefully, I'll be able to do one soon. I've also been doing a regular Friday morning radio show talking about dating and relationships, so that's been fun to do and great to help people with their dating questions. I've also struck out again on the dating scene, a couple of dates to catch you up on soon... not sure what to make of it all, but I'm putting myself back out there again, so I guess that's a good thing, we will see won't we? Smooches!!!
