Four Key Steps for Finding Love as a Single Mom

Dear friends,



So as you all know if you've only read me once or twice, I basically suck at love.   Yup, there I said it.  I asked my friend, Honorée Corder (author of The Successful Single Mom) for some much needed help.  Here are her 4 steps for finding love, I'm going to take her wise advice.  Please enjoy her piece about her journey to find love again and her great suggestions!



Smooches,



The Single Mom

The Art of Finding Love As a Single Mom

My
philosophy on the art of dating is quite simple:

Dating is an opportunity to ask for what
you want, say what you’re looking for (your purpose for dating), date lots of
people (as many as you’d like), have fun and enjoy the process, have almost
zero expectation, and remain unattached to the outcome.

When
you engage in the art of dating from the right place physically, mentally and
emotionally, you actually stand a better chance of ending up with the person
who is the best fit for you sooner. Much
sooner.

If
you’ve been searching for “the one” and beating your head against the wall,
crying yourself to sleep, or lamenting to your BFF how “a good man is hard to
find,” well, stop it. You will only get what you want when you make up your
mind about what that is, and get smart about your search.

I
write all about my journey to finding my husband of five years, my Mr.
Wonderful, in The Successful Single Mom Finds Love! Before I found him,
before I got smart, I had to kiss a lot of frogs, cry too many tears, and spend
countless hours and dollars on men who didn’t deserve the time it took to write
this sentence. I want to save you some time, aggravation, heart-ache and
babysitting dollars. Are you ready? Then let’s get started.

Ask for, and Get, What You Want

Remember:
There
is someone out there who wants for you to give him what you want to give and
who will give you what want you to receive.

Your
role in this process is to speak your truth (state your “purpose for dating”),
and sort and keep sorting until you’ve
found the person you’re going to date, live with, marry, have children with,
all of the above, or none of the above.

Oh
yes, and you probably will want to enjoy the process. Therefore, decide right
now that you’re going to begin this process when, and only when, you can commit
to yourself to enjoying the process and not before.

I
make it sound so easy, right? Actually it’s simple, but I recognize it’s not
necessarily easy because of the way we are wired and because of the way we’re
used to doing things.

Here’s
your new dating process:

1.                 
State your “purpose
for dating” all the time. Tell everyone within the sound of your voice what and
who exactly you’re looking to find.
They may have a brother, son, nephew, cousin, co-worker, or neighbor who sounds
like a good fit. You just never know where your Mr. Wonderful is going to come
from.

2.               
Have fun and
enjoy the process. What’s the point if you don’t have fun and enjoy the
process? When all of your energy is wrapped up in “finding,” you won’t be
“enjoying.” Inject fun into the dating that you do! Go to new restaurants,
indulge in new foods, try miniature golfing, go hiking, learn how to SUP
(stand-up paddle), learn a new language, train for a triathlon. All of these
activities put you in front of people, many of them new people.

3.               
Have no
expectations. What if you could just go on a date and the only expectation you
have is that you’re going to have a conversation (maybe even a good one) and a
nice meal? Wouldn’t that take the frenetic energy out of the date? The energy
that holds expectation and hope and
even a little bit of crazy? Wouldn’t that be nice? Yes, yes it would. Nod and
smile, so I know you’re with me, okay?

4.               
Don’t be attached
to the outcome. Don’t worry if “he’s the one,” just do your best to have a good
time, enjoy your dinner and movie, flirt your ass off, and then wait and see
what happens.

There
are two other love-finding tips I want to share with you.

First,
do what you haven’t been doing: go on more dates or dress differently. Go out
with your girlfriends, or even take a weekend away by yourself. In other words,
do the thing that scares you the most when it comes to dating. Shake things up.
Shake yourself up! You deserve to try something new and get a new, great
result.

Second,
save yourself for the best fit, i.e., you
deserve the best. So no settling! I mean it: this part is where I insist
you not settle. Good enough is just not good enough.

This
process isn’t about finding Mr. Perfect. He just simply doesn’t exist. This
process is about finding Mr. Perfect-For-You. My husband isn’t perfect (pretty
darn close), but he is perfect for me. We compliment each other so well, and
that makes our relationship harmonious, most days, anyway.  I’m so clear I’m not perfect, but he swears
I’m perfect for him. That’s a pretty great feeling, a feeling you, too, deserve
to have.

Bio: Honorée Corder is a Personal
Transformation Expert, Keynote Speaker and the a best-selling author of The Successful Single Mom book series, The Successful Single Dad, Paying4College: How to Save 25-50% on Your Kids College Education, Play2Pay: How to Market Your College-Bound Student-Athlete for
Scholarship Money, Tall Order!, and the
upcoming Vision to Reality.

Learn more on her website here. Visit her Single Mom blog here and her Personal Transformation blog here.

Going Deep

Today I’m going to be painfully honest with you and it scares
me to admit what I’ve been feeling.  I
started this blog as a leap of faith almost three years ago, I honestly didn’t
know if I was a good enough writer, funny enough or had anything to say that
mattered.  I always wanted to write and
leave a legacy of words on the world in my own way.  I wanted those words to make you laugh, inspire,
teach, entertain and sometimes even touch your heart.    

While none of those goals changed, my circumstances did,
drastically.   I can’t even read some of
my first posts today because I don’t know who that woman was, she sure isn’t
much like me today.   Ouch, I can’t
believe I really wrote that and haven’t backspaced it yet.  Yikes.   
When I began writing this blog, although I just got dumped and fired I
had no idea that life was about to suck even more.

I’ve written some about these hard days and I don’t want to
rehash a bunch of that stuff, but to review, life got increasingly more
challenging after I started writing this blog. 
What I’m about to say sounds corny, but I truly think some of those
experiences shaped me to be a better writer. 
While they sucked on ice, I’m also grateful for them because they helped
me go deeper and have more to share.

This time in my life forced me to realize that if I was
going to inspire YOU, then I had to get my shit together first and put good
stuff in my dome.   It was a downside of having an audience, in a
small way I felt responsible to put some good crap in your heads, my writing
had to have more substance than high heels, lip gloss and making out.  It had to.  
Fortunately, I’ve attracted an intelligent audience who likes to be
entertained and wants some depth with it.   
I realized that this blog couldn’t just be a cheap lap dance, but it
could still be sexy.  

In the beginning, I was naïve.  I thought I write these fun little dating tales
and it would be fun for both of us.   I’d eventually end up meeting someone terrific
who would worship me silly and you would clap and cry tears of joy.  Eventually, I’d bore the crap out of you as
all I had to share was our boring trips to Home Depot to pick out tile.   Spoiler alert: that shit didn’t happen, now
did it?   Nope.    Almost three years of dating and writing
and I’m closer to going cat lady crazy than shopping for tile. 

The last two and a half years have been extremely difficult
to endure.   There were many nights I
went to sleep hoping I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.  I didn’t know how I’d get through another
day, let alone another week. 

The two reasons my life has become so challenging  were financial struggles and that my ex
stopped being a parent to the boys.   Before
this, I could at least count on being a wild and crazy bachelorette every other
weekend and having some time to catch my breath.  Now, I don’t have that at all.  It’s been harder to have a life, be a good
mom and to maintain a job, to be quite honest with you.   I hate admitting this but I need a break
from being a mom, a weekend, an overnight, anything.    I feel like a failure for thinking that let
alone writing it, but it’s the truth.  I
don’t feel like I’m my best and therefore not able to give my best to the
boys. 

In some ways I also feel like I’ve failed you, my
reader.   I want to be writing happy,
sexy posts consistently.  Heck, I’ve
barely been able to write at all.  But
hey guess what, life isn’t always what we expect and I know you
understand.   But I’m hard on myself,
harder than I’m sure you are.  

Another reason I feel like I’ve failed you is because I
haven’t found love.  I haven’t written
that perfect walk into the sunset, holding another hand.   Sometimes, I wonder what is wrong with me
but lately, I’ve realized that it goes deeper than that. 

This deep dive into self-improvement and all my hardcore
personal development, especially this year has caused me to pull away from many
potential relationships with men and be more picky about who I truly let
in.  Yet, I can date more casually for
fun, more for the experience of meeting new people, but it takes me much longer
to get attached.   I’m also starting to
look at why I’ve attracted a certain type of man into my life and then why I
was even more of a dumbass and slept with that dude, over and over again.  

A lot of my answers lie on my own shoulders.  I realized that I’ve welcomed men into my
life who had some kind of handicap that would keep us from becoming too serious.  Ouch, that’s pretty painful to admit.   A great example of that is the most recent man
I dated this summer,  who was much
younger.  I wanted companionship but I
didn’t want him crowing my life.   The
fact that he was younger was a built in hurdle, so that we wouldn’t become
extremely close.   What is wrong with me? 

I haven’t truly loved anyone since “The Reader”.  You don’t know how hard that is to admit,
especially since he may still read my blog sometimes.   On the other hand, the time that has passed since
being involved with him has shown me that although losing him from my life was
painful, it was absolutely for the best.  
Today, he’s not a man I would be attracted to; I’ve changed so much,
it’s almost staggering.  

Over the past couple of years, I’ve gotten as close as one
can to falling in love, without completely falling over the cliff.    Truthfully, I’m scared of the weak little
girl I am after a difficult breakup, so scared in fact that it keeps me from
fully immersing into love.  So my choices
are simple, I either let someone in partially or I stay disconnected totally
until I find someone worthy of taking the risk.   I’m meeting a lot of men and flirting, but
haven’t met anyone who is worth risking my sanity.

I was very fortunate this year to find a book that has
drastically shaped my life and my future.     I highly recommend, The Successful Single Mom for anyone going through a difficult time
in life.   It’s an excellent book for a
single mom or anyone actually who needs a jump start in life and career.  I’ve had the pleasure of speaking with the
author of this book, slobbering all over her, thanking her for writing this
book.   Her advice literally changed my
life for the better,  I use some nugget
of wisdom from her book every single day. 
It also forced me to look harder at myself, my inner circle and my
thoughts.  I’m truly a better person for
reading this book.  

In the next few weeks, I’ll share an experience this summer
that has made me swear off online dating, at least for now and more from my
dating life.  As always thanks for reading and for all your encouragement, it really means a lot!  

Smooches,

The Single Mom

. 

Oh Those Summer Nights...

I’ve had several steamy moments so far this summer, some
that have taken my breath away and some romantic stolen moments under a starry
night sky.   Over the past few months, I’ve
been dating a few men and have been enjoying the hell outta it, notice I said
dating and not sleeping with them all, thank you very much.   My mindset about dating is totally different and it has made it so much more fun. I’m not exactly sure if it’s the relaxed
summer days and having more social opportunities or just that I’ve had so many
disappointments that my attitude is breezy about dating. 

Let me catch you up on life and why I’ve haven’t been
blogging as much, spring was extremely busy with my youngest son’s end of
school year activities.  I was running
around like crazy helping him makeup homework and getting him from point a to b
and life was hectic at home with my oldest too.   

As far as me, I’ve been working hard on my two jobs,
networking, looking for other opportunities and writing when I can.   A
great deal of my time has been spent exercising and working hard on my own personal
development.  I’ve lost weight, feel
incredible and have been putting my energy into me and my needs instead of
constantly focusing on some dude.   Our
home has also needed an incredible amount of work because of the change of
season.  The yard especially has been
giving me all the challenge I can handle, so I’ve had my hands full. 

My dating life has been equally active, I’ve been putting
myself “out there” and the smile is back on my face.   I dated
a couple of men this spring who seemed like they had real potential to end up
as serious partners.  Oddly enough, I
wasn’t really looking for anything serious, but they moved “us” in that
direction.   One in particular, I thought
could have been boyfriend material because our dates were fun and I “held my
cards” until the right time (ie I didn’t sleep with him until I practically had
him pinky swearing that we were a couple.)   

Although I make it
sound like I laid down the law and was a tyrant, it wasn’t like that at all.  He spent a small fortune trying to impress me
and our time together was always perfect. 
Things progressed naturally, our dates were a blast, and I was puzzled
when ultimately it didn’t work out.   
However, I wasn’t completely attached so I didn’t miss a beat getting
over it.   Looking back on it now, I’m
still confused because he spent so much time and money to “woo” me but I guess his
cold feet ultimately caused him to freak out.  

Sometimes, I wonder if I make it too difficult for the men
I’m dating to get attached to me because of my past scars.  I have a lot of walls and I keep men at a
distance.   I’m not really sure and
although I think about it sometimes, I don’t know if I really WANT to change
right now, or if there is anyone in my path that is worth being more vulnerable.  

However, recently I met a man who helped me tear some walls
down.   He’s a young man no less who I’ve
gotten relatively close to even though initially, I tried to push away.   I met him online, and when I saw that we had
a huge (almost 20 years)  age difference
I sent him a short and sweet email thanking him for the nice things he said
about me but basically I was blowing him off because of our ages.   Although he is in his late 20's, he seemed mature, had a child and was a good person, but I couldn't completely ignore his age.  



He wanted to strike up a friendship because
I seemed cool, but that didn’t really interest me – until we exchanged a few
emails.    There was something about our
connection and he made me laugh hysterically.   It was rare because he not only got my wicked sense of humor but he gave it right back to me
and we became close, quickly.

To be completely transparent with you, I don’t “click” with
a lot of people as friends that easily. 
I’m nice to everyone, and I’m likeable overall but I don’t trust many
people and I’m guarded.   I think it was
easy to be myself with him because I didn’t view him as “relationship material”
and we connected quickly.  

The friendship quickly turned into romantic chemistry and
when we met for the first time, it was electric.   We were kissing within a few minutes and ended
up steaming up some windows.    After our
first date, I wasn’t clingy at all and our interactions were normal for the
next few days.   Shortly after, he got a
case of cold feet and pulled away. 
However, there was just something about our connection that kept
bringing us back together.   

Initially, I convinced myself I wouldn’t get attached to him
and I lied to myself that it wouldn’t happen.   I was
drawn to him because he still had some youthful sweetness and hadn’t been jaded
about love in general .  He’s good
looking, funny, sweet and charming, I should have known we were both doomed to
get close, but I didn’t want to believe it. 
Maybe it was naïve, but in the beginning I didn’t think we’d be intimate
and then I was naïve again when I convinced myself that we wouldn’t develop
feelings for each other, but we did.   

My heart wasn’t completely immersed but I was getting close
to falling off the ledge, and I pulled away. Although I know having some
distance is for the best, I miss our silly, sweet conversations and the
blossoming summer romance that made me feel younger and invincible for a short
season.  I have to admit, I felt free
like a child on summer break because for a couple of months I was a giggly
teenage girl again with a pure heart flirting with a boy, not worried about
heartbreak or feeling silly.  I was just
enjoying a playful courtship, sneaking around stealing kisses and laughing hysterically at our inside
jokes.   

It was effortless being together and it felt so perfect as
he slept in my arms, peacefully snoring.  There was just something that made us feel so comfortable together from the beginning, the friendship came easy, then the romance and it's sad that it doesn't have a future. 
Even if our time together is really over, I know I’ll carry a piece of
him and the memory of this sweet romance with me for a long time... and maybe just maybe, although it's bittersweet today, it taught me that the teenage girl with the pure heart is still a part of me.

Thank you for reading!

Smooches

The Single Mom

First Date Tips and Reentering the Dating World

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/19/dating-after-divorce_n_3118481.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

Last week, the Huffington Post asked me to participate on
the panel of Huff Post Live to talk about Dating after Divorce, First Dates and
Dealbreakers.  I was immediately excited
and a it’s subject I know well.  Last week, I went on
two fantastic first dates, so I’ve  recently experienced first date jitters and felt like I could make a contribution.

I’d say over the last 7 years I’ve been on anywhere from
about 75 to 100 first dates.  Yikes, that
sounds like a lot, but over 7 years, that’s an average of 10 a year on the low
side.   My first dates have ranged from
being taken to Hooters to watch cage fighting to overnight camping, so I’ve had a wide
range of experiences.

To give you some reference, I was married for 13 miserable years, had
two kids and when it was time to date again, I was chomping at the bit.  I couldn’t wait for romantic first kisses in
the rain and to run across a field of daisies to greet the man of my dreams,
arms stretched out wide and his likewise.  
That whole dream sequence didn’t play out so well for me in the real
world.  What I ended up with in reality
was more like the plot of a horrible Lifetime movie.  I met men who had major substance and violence
issues and a big 'ol helping of dysfunction.  

After a revolving door of douchebags, I ended up on my
shrink’s comfy sofa for a good old fashioned trip to the wood shed.  She ever so gently pointed out to me that I
kept choosing the same bad boy over and over again, the color of the Harley may
be different as well as the placement of tattoos, but I had to change and expand my dating pool.  She
advised me to do two things at that moment. 
 

The first was to write a list of traits that I wished to find in a long
term partner and dealbreakers.   The
purpose of this list was to be a reference to keep me on track when I met
a man - if he didn’t meet most of the qualities I wanted, I had to move on to
the next one.    

The second piece of advice was to go out on as many dates as
possible.   Since I had a particular
“type”, she suggested I go outside of that comfort zone to meet men of different
ages, careers, or ethnicities.  
Basically, she challenged me to have a lot of casual first dates in the
hopes of expanding the type of man I would be attracted to. 

After a few glasses of wine and some laughs with a married
girlfriend, I had a Match.com profile.   My girlfriend enjoyed spending time with me, vicariously feeling like she was a
character in “Sex and the City” but then would happily go home to the arms of her loving
husband.    She left and before long I
was answering emails, instant messaging and making dates. 

That summer, I had shared parenting and for
the week I didn’t have my kids, I sometimes had 7 dates in a week.    They ranged from horrific to not God-awful,
but eventually I did meet someone pretty terrific, who wasn’t the stereotype
bad boy.

Fast forward to the present and I have learned a lot the
hard way and I still fall for the wrong guy.  
My life is so much more complicated now, having my kids 24/7, rarely
having time to date.  During these years, I've taken time to grow and explore myself.  Time I wish I would have taken before I started dating in the beginning.  It was productive to do an honest self-inventory and look hard at things I needed to change.     

Recently, I've
forced myself to dip my toe into the dating pool again with a breezy new attitude.   I approach dating now more like a trip to Golden Corral, I take a spoonful of yummies on my plate and see what I like.  If I want more, I can go back for a second helping.   It's more important for me now than ever to keep things in perspective since I have more time constraints now.

 Here are some of my general tips
to get you out there on your first dates. 

1.     
Talk to and date several people, trying to NOT
focus on just one person.   This helps
keep it light and having many people to talk to prevents you from thrusting you
into a Rocky Road tailspin if you don’t get a text from a specific person.

2.     
If you find someone online you think you like,
meet them relatively soon, within about a week or so.  I’ve made this mistake, talking to someone
constantly and becoming very attached only for it to blow up in my face.  Bottom line is you have to meet the person to
know if you have physical attraction, so do this before you fall for the person
you think they are, not really the person they truly are.

3.     
If you’re a woman, my advice for how to dress
for a first date is to dress like a GOOD movie trailer.  You know, the movie trailer that doesn’t show
all the best scenes of the movie in the 60 second commercial.   Dress in a way that gives some idea of
“coming attractions” but not showing everything you have.  In essence, it’s ok to be sexy but not
slutty.

4.     
Plan a short date, not longer than a couple of
hours or so.  This way you have a built
in “out” if you don’t hit it off.  If you
do like the person, it’s also going to build intrigue for the next time.   Of course, if you really like each other and
want to continue, go with it.

5.     
Do an activity on a first date if possible, not
a dinner.   An activity helps you bond
more readily than trying to make small talk across a dinner table for 2
hours.    Go to a sporting event, play
mini golf or a wine tasting.  If you must
do a dinner date, choose something that has some built in excitement like a
hibachi restaurant or a fondue restaurant where you are actually doing
something.

6.     
In your conversation, be positive.  Talk about fun activities and positive
subjects.   Don’t bring up your ex and if
it comes up, share a casual sentence or two.  
Listen carefully about what your date has to say about their ex,
however.  It will give you a lot of clues
about if they are over that relationship and how they talk about that person
will give you a lot of insight.

7.     
Be honest as much as possible, but don’t feel
like you need to bring your tax return.

8.     
Of course meet at a neutral location and always
be cautious about your safety.

So, whether you’re going on your first date after your
divorce or your 50^th, I hope these ideas help you get your dating
mojo back.  Oh, and one of my first dates
a couple of weeks ago has potential to be something lasting.  Who knows?

Thank you for reading and please share with me your thoughts!  

Smooches,

The Single Mom

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