Last week, the Huffington Post asked me to participate on
the panel of Huff Post Live to talk about Dating after Divorce, First Dates and
Dealbreakers. I was immediately excited
and a it’s subject I know well. Last week, I went on
two fantastic first dates, so I’ve recently experienced first date jitters and felt like I could make a contribution.
I’d say over the last 7 years I’ve been on anywhere from
about 75 to 100 first dates. Yikes, that
sounds like a lot, but over 7 years, that’s an average of 10 a year on the low
side. My first dates have ranged from
being taken to Hooters to watch cage fighting to overnight camping, so I’ve had a wide
range of experiences.
To give you some reference, I was married for 13 miserable years, had
two kids and when it was time to date again, I was chomping at the bit. I couldn’t wait for romantic first kisses in
the rain and to run across a field of daisies to greet the man of my dreams,
arms stretched out wide and his likewise.
That whole dream sequence didn’t play out so well for me in the real
world. What I ended up with in reality
was more like the plot of a horrible Lifetime movie. I met men who had major substance and violence
issues and a big 'ol helping of dysfunction.
After a revolving door of douchebags, I ended up on my
shrink’s comfy sofa for a good old fashioned trip to the wood shed. She ever so gently pointed out to me that I
kept choosing the same bad boy over and over again, the color of the Harley may
be different as well as the placement of tattoos, but I had to change and expand my dating pool. She
advised me to do two things at that moment.
The first was to write a list of traits that I wished to find in a long
term partner and dealbreakers. The
purpose of this list was to be a reference to keep me on track when I met
a man - if he didn’t meet most of the qualities I wanted, I had to move on to
the next one.
The second piece of advice was to go out on as many dates as
possible. Since I had a particular
“type”, she suggested I go outside of that comfort zone to meet men of different
ages, careers, or ethnicities.
Basically, she challenged me to have a lot of casual first dates in the
hopes of expanding the type of man I would be attracted to.
After a few glasses of wine and some laughs with a married
girlfriend, I had a Match.com profile. My girlfriend enjoyed spending time with me, vicariously feeling like she was a
character in “Sex and the City” but then would happily go home to the arms of her loving
husband. She left and before long I
was answering emails, instant messaging and making dates.
That summer, I had shared parenting and for
the week I didn’t have my kids, I sometimes had 7 dates in a week. They ranged from horrific to not God-awful,
but eventually I did meet someone pretty terrific, who wasn’t the stereotype
bad boy.
Fast forward to the present and I have learned a lot the
hard way and I still fall for the wrong guy.
My life is so much more complicated now, having my kids 24/7, rarely
having time to date. During these years, I've taken time to grow and explore myself. Time I wish I would have taken before I started dating in the beginning. It was productive to do an honest self-inventory and look hard at things I needed to change.
Recently, I've
forced myself to dip my toe into the dating pool again with a breezy new attitude. I approach dating now more like a trip to Golden Corral, I take a spoonful of yummies on my plate and see what I like. If I want more, I can go back for a second helping. It's more important for me now than ever to keep things in perspective since I have more time constraints now.
Here are some of my general tips
to get you out there on your first dates.
1.
Talk to and date several people, trying to NOT
focus on just one person. This helps
keep it light and having many people to talk to prevents you from thrusting you
into a Rocky Road tailspin if you don’t get a text from a specific person.
2.
If you find someone online you think you like,
meet them relatively soon, within about a week or so. I’ve made this mistake, talking to someone
constantly and becoming very attached only for it to blow up in my face. Bottom line is you have to meet the person to
know if you have physical attraction, so do this before you fall for the person
you think they are, not really the person they truly are.
3.
If you’re a woman, my advice for how to dress
for a first date is to dress like a GOOD movie trailer. You know, the movie trailer that doesn’t show
all the best scenes of the movie in the 60 second commercial. Dress in a way that gives some idea of
“coming attractions” but not showing everything you have. In essence, it’s ok to be sexy but not
slutty.
4.
Plan a short date, not longer than a couple of
hours or so. This way you have a built
in “out” if you don’t hit it off. If you
do like the person, it’s also going to build intrigue for the next time. Of course, if you really like each other and
want to continue, go with it.
5.
Do an activity on a first date if possible, not
a dinner. An activity helps you bond
more readily than trying to make small talk across a dinner table for 2
hours. Go to a sporting event, play
mini golf or a wine tasting. If you must
do a dinner date, choose something that has some built in excitement like a
hibachi restaurant or a fondue restaurant where you are actually doing
something.
6.
In your conversation, be positive. Talk about fun activities and positive
subjects. Don’t bring up your ex and if
it comes up, share a casual sentence or two.
Listen carefully about what your date has to say about their ex,
however. It will give you a lot of clues
about if they are over that relationship and how they talk about that person
will give you a lot of insight.
7.
Be honest as much as possible, but don’t feel
like you need to bring your tax return.
8.
Of course meet at a neutral location and always
be cautious about your safety.
So, whether you’re going on your first date after your
divorce or your 50th, I hope these ideas help you get your dating
mojo back. Oh, and one of my first dates
a couple of weeks ago has potential to be something lasting. Who knows?
Thank you for reading and please share with me your thoughts!
Smooches,
The Single Mom
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