I’ve had several steamy moments so far this summer, some
that have taken my breath away and some romantic stolen moments under a starry
night sky. Over the past few months, I’ve
been dating a few men and have been enjoying the hell outta it, notice I said
dating and not sleeping with them all, thank you very much. My mindset about dating is totally different and it has made it so much more fun. I’m not exactly sure if it’s the relaxed
summer days and having more social opportunities or just that I’ve had so many
disappointments that my attitude is breezy about dating.
Let me catch you up on life and why I’ve haven’t been
blogging as much, spring was extremely busy with my youngest son’s end of
school year activities. I was running
around like crazy helping him makeup homework and getting him from point a to b
and life was hectic at home with my oldest too.
As far as me, I’ve been working hard on my two jobs,
networking, looking for other opportunities and writing when I can. A
great deal of my time has been spent exercising and working hard on my own personal
development. I’ve lost weight, feel
incredible and have been putting my energy into me and my needs instead of
constantly focusing on some dude. Our
home has also needed an incredible amount of work because of the change of
season. The yard especially has been
giving me all the challenge I can handle, so I’ve had my hands full.
My dating life has been equally active, I’ve been putting
myself “out there” and the smile is back on my face. I dated
a couple of men this spring who seemed like they had real potential to end up
as serious partners. Oddly enough, I
wasn’t really looking for anything serious, but they moved “us” in that
direction. One in particular, I thought
could have been boyfriend material because our dates were fun and I “held my
cards” until the right time (ie I didn’t sleep with him until I practically had
him pinky swearing that we were a couple.)
Although I make it
sound like I laid down the law and was a tyrant, it wasn’t like that at all. He spent a small fortune trying to impress me
and our time together was always perfect.
Things progressed naturally, our dates were a blast, and I was puzzled
when ultimately it didn’t work out.
However, I wasn’t completely attached so I didn’t miss a beat getting
over it. Looking back on it now, I’m
still confused because he spent so much time and money to “woo” me but I guess his
cold feet ultimately caused him to freak out.
Sometimes, I wonder if I make it too difficult for the men
I’m dating to get attached to me because of my past scars. I have a lot of walls and I keep men at a
distance. I’m not really sure and
although I think about it sometimes, I don’t know if I really WANT to change
right now, or if there is anyone in my path that is worth being more vulnerable.
However, recently I met a man who helped me tear some walls
down. He’s a young man no less who I’ve
gotten relatively close to even though initially, I tried to push away. I met him online, and when I saw that we had
a huge (almost 20 years) age difference
I sent him a short and sweet email thanking him for the nice things he said
about me but basically I was blowing him off because of our ages. Although he is in his late 20's, he seemed mature, had a child and was a good person, but I couldn't completely ignore his age.
He wanted to strike up a friendship because
I seemed cool, but that didn’t really interest me – until we exchanged a few
emails. There was something about our
connection and he made me laugh hysterically. It was rare because he not only got my wicked sense of humor but he gave it right back to me
and we became close, quickly.
To be completely transparent with you, I don’t “click” with
a lot of people as friends that easily.
I’m nice to everyone, and I’m likeable overall but I don’t trust many
people and I’m guarded. I think it was
easy to be myself with him because I didn’t view him as “relationship material”
and we connected quickly.
The friendship quickly turned into romantic chemistry and
when we met for the first time, it was electric. We were kissing within a few minutes and ended
up steaming up some windows. After our
first date, I wasn’t clingy at all and our interactions were normal for the
next few days. Shortly after, he got a
case of cold feet and pulled away.
However, there was just something about our connection that kept
bringing us back together.
Initially, I convinced myself I wouldn’t get attached to him
and I lied to myself that it wouldn’t happen. I was
drawn to him because he still had some youthful sweetness and hadn’t been jaded
about love in general . He’s good
looking, funny, sweet and charming, I should have known we were both doomed to
get close, but I didn’t want to believe it.
Maybe it was naïve, but in the beginning I didn’t think we’d be intimate
and then I was naïve again when I convinced myself that we wouldn’t develop
feelings for each other, but we did.
My heart wasn’t completely immersed but I was getting close
to falling off the ledge, and I pulled away. Although I know having some
distance is for the best, I miss our silly, sweet conversations and the
blossoming summer romance that made me feel younger and invincible for a short
season. I have to admit, I felt free
like a child on summer break because for a couple of months I was a giggly
teenage girl again with a pure heart flirting with a boy, not worried about
heartbreak or feeling silly. I was just
enjoying a playful courtship, sneaking around stealing kisses and laughing hysterically at our inside
jokes.
It was effortless being together and it felt so perfect as
he slept in my arms, peacefully snoring. There was just something that made us feel so comfortable together from the beginning, the friendship came easy, then the romance and it's sad that it doesn't have a future.
Even if our time together is really over, I know I’ll carry a piece of
him and the memory of this sweet romance with me for a long time... and maybe just maybe, although it's bittersweet today, it taught me that the teenage girl with the pure heart is still a part of me.
Thank you for reading!
Smooches
The Single Mom
