So, I’ve been on this self induced dating break, well more
accurately, a break from ALL emotions, ties, friendships, laughter and joy, yup
that just about sums it up. Maybe I’m
exaggerating a just little, but there for awhile in late spring I was in the
middle of extremely stressful legal stuff
with my ex about child support.
As a result I got to take lots of super fun trips to court and have many
legal mumbo jumbo good times, essentially a big barrel of monkeys. In addition to working like a total nut job
and having my kids all the time, the stress was unbearable and I was sinking
deeper into this abyss of stinky doggie doo and I was seeing no way out, or
even wanting one, really.
It was every bit as miserable as it sounds and was making me
a cranky bitch to be around, no doubt.
I stopped writing and became a work robot, hating it but feeling so
angry at my ex and the situation that he created that I never wanted to put
myself “out there” emotionally again – not with friends, not with a dude, I
only wanted to work and be with my kids.
That plan was working really good
for me for several weeks.
Ironically, what pulled me out of this “man fast”, was… you
guessed it, a man. Nice irony there, huh? It
happened completely innocently and despite my best efforts to defend myself
from it. I actually met him and another
guy at an after hours work event that I had to attend, blech. I started talking to them because they are
both local police officers in the area and I thought they’d be good to
know.
Ironically, both men were also going through nasty divorce
issues and we were all exchanging “I hate the other sex” stories, sounds like
fun, huh? This lil fiesta o’ hate went
on and we all were talking and laughing, but I was intentionally NOT flirting
and had my sex kitten super powers on lockdown. In fact, I left them at the super secret SMD
headquarters cave, locked in the vault.
I didn’t think much about this little chit chat session ,
said my goodbyes and headed home. It
wasn’t until the next day that the younger, more good looking officer kept doing
obvious flybys near my office. We’d
talk and for the next few days it was basically an extension of our cranky ex
stories from the first night. Our
convos were peppered with some random bitching about life, his boss and the
like but nothing major.
His little crush started becoming obvious to my coworkers
because he’d find any reason to stop by and chat with me, but I was careful to
not let my walls come down to this potential intruder. I’d
just get a few more kitties to reinforce my crazy cat lady status and would
shoooo off this dude like it never happened.
Well, that was my plan and it sounded good, anyway.
There was something about him that made me feel safe, not
just his uniform and stuff, but emotionally safe. I couldn’t explain it but I found myself
trusting him and opening up to him about things that I don’t normally
share. I was vulnerable with him for
some odd reason and it was great having someone to talk to who didn’t seem like
he judged me and that he understood where I was also.
The more my coworkers teased me about his crush on me, the
more it started to chip away at my fears to like him. Looking back now, I think that I rationalized
that if he liked me enough to be obvious about it in front of my coworkers,
that his feelings were probably legit.
One day after only knowing him a couple of weeks, he accidently blurted out, “I like you”. It was so incredibly sweet and it changed
the way I felt about him. I looked
down, blushed and started to like him even more.
He was being vulnerable with me and it made me feel like a
13 year old little girl. Well, let me
correct that, I felt like a 13 year old girl with the dating street smarts of a
40 something woman – perfect combination, huh? I was very careful to let him set the pace,
not at all like what I’d normally do. I
was able to wait for him to come to me and found it irresistible one day when
he found a flimsy work reason to give me his number.
The first day we started texting, I was cautious to not be
too flirty (ie sexual) too fast. His
personality is very different than mine, he’s very literal and I’m anything
but; so it was sometimes hard to know if he understood me through text. He was flirty with me but nothing too over
the top. It was becoming like a
friendship that was evolving into more, naturally. My excitement was growing and I looked
forward to seeing him during the day.
One day, I started getting texts from a number I didn’t know
and it was obvious that it was someone from my new workplace. This person talked about some of the events
going on and how pretty I am, etc. It
was harmless and I thought I knew who it was but I was still extremely creeped
out.
I then felt like I had to let my crush know about it since
it was a safety issue. He was extremely
protective of me and swooped in to make sure I was safe. I texted him about it right when it started
happening and honestly when I saw him the next day, I wanted to fall into his
arms and have him hold me tight. I tried
to act like it didn’t bother me much, but truth is that it freaked me out. I didn’t give the stalker my number, he
watched me a lot and it bothered me. However,
I tried to hold onto my SMD bravado and act tough. I’m pretty sure he saw right through it.
I’d love to tell you that he swept me off like a scene from
The Bodyguard and whisked me off into a sunset, but sadly that isn’t how this
story ends. Actually, it basically just
ends. The stalker person stopped
texting me right after I asked him to, which was good. I can’t help it that I sometimes still wonder
if he watches me, but I can’t let it bother me too much.
As for my crush he was in the process of a transfer and our flirtation ended abruptly,
inexplicably in fact. It seemed like it
was going somewhere, slowly, deliberately and carefully, but somewhere at
least. Truth is, it just didn’t go
anywhere. After several weeks of
seeing him every day a few times a day, then texting for a few weeks it was
just over. Once he transferred, he just
disconnected and it seemed really odd.
I’m not sure how to even begin to understand it but the one
positive take away is that although this junior high flirtation didn’t go
anywhere, it did help me to bring out my superdooper sex kitten super powers
again from the vault. The flirtation was a fun little distraction
and it was flattering that this younger, good looking man was interested in
me. However, I was starting to feel
close to him and see the possibility of us seeing each other and it hurt a
little because I was starting to think I mattered to him. I guess not.
Maybe the better news
for me, anyway is that it has brought me back to writing again. I had an epiphany one day recently that the
reason I stopped writing is that I didn’t want to feel anything anymore. Writing causes me to name my feelings,
describe my highs and lows and I just didn’t want to feel anything or be
vulnerable for awhile. Fortunately, I
think I’m over that hurdle now.
Unfortunately, my time is very limited and my stress is abundant… so I
don’t have a lot of time to A) date or B) write about dates, but at least I’m
not a raging, cranky bitch.
I’m rockin the high heels, batting the eyelashes and
enjoying the HELL out of being single this summer. I have
a couple other little crushes in the works and I’ve had a couple of
“dates”… (The “dates” are with ex’s,
one who wants to reconcile badly, another who is deep in the emotional cave I
was in and saddest of all, a cancelled date with the man who set my heart and
my junk on fire last summer, Latin Lover…
I’ll get you up to speed soon, I promise.)
So thank you for reading, I hope your summer is hot and
steamy, wink wink.
Smooches,
No comments:
Post a Comment