This might come as a total shock to most of my regular
readers, but I DON’T sit around pondering String theory or the Pythagorean theorem. However I say with equal parts of humility and sarcasm
that I’m pretty sure I’ve uncovered a universal truth, a formula that will no doubt
put me in the same consideration as Einstein, Socrates and Pythagorean, whoever he was. To solve for X, it is important to break
down the Y first. X = eX of course and Y
= WHY? As in… “why the HELL did you dump
my ass, you douche?”
I’ve taken a lot of heat for going back out with my ex, “Man
Candy” for a second time. Probably
because I frequently say that going out with an ex is a bad idea and one shouldn’t
do it, unless you’re a total raving dumbass. Also, the way we ended was abrupt and
confusing and I get that. I digress…
but my point here is that my “rule” of not dating an ex, probably should have
some EXceptions, based on maybe the why’s of the breakup. X-Y = a “maybe” for seeing Man Candy again.
The first time around, we did everything “smart” and “right”
leading up to having sex, didn’t rush into it and thought it was the right
decision, when we finally did the nasty.
Well, ya that waiting thing didn’t work out so well for me now did
it? I remember picking up the pieces of
my broken heart after all that, of course I haven’t forgotten. A lot happened after we broke up and my life
became exponentially more stressful and dating was about the last thing on my
mind, for a long time.
To be totally upfront with you, I feel partially like being
out on a date with him now is my way of easing back into dating…. Whether
that’s right or wrong, I just feel like he’s my training wheels or
something. I’m still trying to find my
balance and not sure that meeting someone totally new is a good idea right now.
I’m also struggling with trying to discern if I’m being
objective about my going back to an ex and thinking about it from a lot of
different angles. I recently got
irritated with a man I was talking to when he went back to his ex, after using
me to get through the emotional heavy lifting of the first few weeks of their
breakup. She cheated on him with his
best friend and she had thrown a brick through a window of his truck. Ok, so
that “Y” is because she was bat shit crazy, don’t get back together. Duh.
So here’s what’s different with my situation with “Man Candy”,
since we broke up he had a dose of reality, not meeting anyone that he remotely
liked and had doubts about why he let me go.
He also had a monumental life changing event that I’ll tell you more
about in a second… but suffice it to say that he’s rethinking a lot. I know, I know… I feel your cynicism and I
agree, I have it too. Yet, I’m being
different and smarter, holding back a lot myself and truly dating him to have
fun. Crazy thought, huh? Yeah.
I’m at a different place than I have been, maybe ever. I mean don’t get me wrong if things go well,
I’m open to that, just not losing any sleep about it.
Speaking of sleep, It was a coincidence, but I texted him on
a day last week that one of his close friends was killed in a car accident – I
happened to get his text with this news while I was sound asleep. I could tell he was upset from the tone and
my sleepy brain woke up to answer his text with concern and I invited him to
call me even though it was very late. He hasn’t called me for a long time and I was
shocked when a few minutes later he did.
He went on and on about the car accident, the details and how it made
big news and the driver that killed him was being irresponsible, essentially he
rambled and I listened. He was angry and
understandably so.
He talked about his friend’s son left behind and the wife,
memories of them in college and playing ball through the years. His voice cracked and so did mine as I tried
to find words to console him, keeping my voice down to not wake up my boys down
the hall. We talked until after 1:00
and when we signed off he seemed genuinely grateful that I was there to talk to
him.
Over the next few days, we traded texts and I could tell how
hard he was taking it. He didn’t want to
talk, he was fighting the darkness, hard. It broke my heart, honestly and yet I knew he
wanted and probably needed space. The
funeral was almost a week later, and that had to just make it feel like it was an
eternity, ugh. I let it go and stopped making the first move
to reach out to him. He knew I cared
but I didn’t want to smother him either, it was a fine line. I’m also walking this fine line with him to
not put me dead in the friend zone either.
Simultaneously, my emotions were going through a bit of a
rollercoaster. I’m dealing with some
teenage rebellion issues from my oldest son and also fighting some of my own
dormant grief from my mom’s death. In a
nutshell, I’ve been emotional lately and going through this alongside Man Candy
reminded me how short life is and how I vowed to make sure I never forgot that,
though I honestly have.
I was inspired by all this emotion to actually have
feelings, and actually do something about having them… haha. So, I did something that wasn’t a huge risk
but enough of one for me… I wrote on my personal Facebook page (he is one of my
friends on it) something about how life is short and not to take people for
granted. He’s rarely on Facebook and I didn’t do it
exactly to inception his brain, I just kind of put it out there, so to speak.
The following day, he sent me a text inviting me out for a
drink after work. I had to juggle some things around, but was
pretty sure I could make it. Luckily I
had makeup with me at work and something cute, but not slutty to wear. I primped and was excited to see him, but
again not sure if this was consoling a friend or a date. Either way, I hunkered down prepared for
either scenario.
We set up a meeting nearby on the river, it was a gorgeous
night. I was in a great mood singing
along with the radio but planning what to say.
The song on the radio was some mindless pop song, the chorus was “I want
you back… I want you back, wa wa want you back…” When I realized what I was singing I
switched the song quickly and made a sarcastic face, convincing myself for a
second (or less) that I didn’t want him back…
When I arrived, he greeted me warmly, smiled and hugged me
very close and long. I followed him to a table overlooking the
river. We ordered drinks and snacks and the
conversation flowed easily. I started
first, updating him about some pretty big news going on in my life, and he was really excited for me. He was supportive and listened intently. We laughed, talked easily and the drinks
were kicking in. He started opening up
about his friend, his voice cracked as
he spoke, and he looked directly at me as he explained what happened. I listened as he shared memories of his
friend and how this was the hardest loss he’s experienced, mostly because of
the shock. I shared how my mom died suddenly and how that
was hard and I could somewhat understand his loss.
We talked for hours, literally about everything. It felt good talking to him and I know
although he is a communicative man, that he doesn’t have a lot of people he can
freely express himself to like this. His icy grey eyes were locked on me as I kept
my attention on him and well I’m not gonna lie, I did notice the way his
muscles looked under his shirt. He
teased me about my leopard print shirt and it was obvious that he was looking
at the way my chest filled out the tightly fitting shirt.
The waiter came to freshen our drinks and I ran to the
ladies room for a minute, as this was a natural break to step away. I freshened up my lipgloss and chewed a
breath mint as I walked back to our table.
I teasingly pinched his arm for teasing me about my shirt a
few minutes ago. He smiled and his arms quickly swept around my
waist as he drew me tightly to him in a long passionate kiss, perhaps
inappropriate kiss. We were oblivious
to those around us and it felt like his kisses were melting me, our bodies were
against each other tightly and it was probably too intense for the
setting. We took a short break to
continue the pinching and teasing, but started kissing again in the middle of a
sentence. Obviously what we had to say wasn’t more
important than kissing.
He paid for the drinks and we left, to see an overlook of
the river and the beautiful night’s sky.
The stars were shining and several boats were out on the river, and the
city in the background was beautifully lighting up the sky. We kissed a few times, stronger and harder
than before at the table, my hands found
his front jeans pockets and pulled his body against mine as his mouth engulfed
mine. As I kissed him, I bit his lower
lip and he groaned in pleasure and pulled me tighter against him.
He must have caught himself and realized that we should walk
towards our cars. When we found my car, he immediately started
kissing me and pushed me forcefully against my car. He stopped and looked at me, glared at me even
as he ran his hands through my hair, pulling it all to one side as he yanked it
hard and then planted another forceful kiss on my expectant mouth. His body pressed hard against me as I felt
his passion for me growing.
The voices of another couple walking by us made him pull
back and stop kissing me. I shot him a
disapproving glare as I yanked him tightly against me again by his
pockets. I then kissed him hard,
pulling his chest against mine and biting his lip again. His
hands swept around my ass, pulling me against him, he made sure I felt the
force of him, grinding slightly against me.
I moaned slightly, uncontrollably as my memory recalled how he felt
inside me. My body wanted to continue
with that memory, but my brain was fighting it.
As we kissed, I tasted blood and
made a little joke about it between more kisses and nibbles.
We said our goodnights, and I headed home with a smile on my
face but my brain still intact in my head. Thank you for reading!
Smooches,
The Single Mom
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